A New Place

I feel there is no excuse for not writing. The last entry was in last January 2009 --that has been quite a while I almost forgot the password to this space. I had wanted to resume writing after the shift to our new home last August 9^th, but alas, alas, we haven't got the internet connection yet.

Raed Zikry has been growing at a fast rate. It seems that he was just learning to roll or crawl yesterday but M & I know how blessed we are to have him with us. He learned to walk by the 11 month, and now at 13 month old, he's begun to learn some words such as “clock”, “car”, “tidor”, “ayah”, and understand some basic commands. My favourite is "Siapa nama Raed angkat tangan?" and so he will raise both his arms in the air in full anticipation from us. Another favorite is when we say "Group huugg...!" and he will come to us to be in our embrace.

The Ramadan month is here with us. I just cannot help remembering that I was living with my in-laws at Senja Road during last Ramadan. And while couples got married on National Day, M and I moved into our very own new flat that Sunday 9 August. That was such a milestone in our lives and we thank all our family members (especially) M's side with the assistance.

The night before, (Saturday) at the new flat, we had a little Quran reading session with the help of my parents, eldest sister and her 3 children, my eldest brother and my FIL. I felt happy to be able to carry out this little piece of advice from my father. Moving in can be a difficult transition -- we are still coping with how best to adapt to the new home. Raed, especially, displayed behaviours that initially got us worried. I’ve never seen him so clingy before -- he would follow us whenever we go about in the house and demand our attention. But Alhamdulillah, he’s beginning to warm-up to the new environment.

The past week had seen us busy consolidating our belongings from the boxes we packed. I never thought we had all that possessions from a single room, not counting the items packed from my bachelor room at Woodlands – I’m beginning to think how to start afresh. For a start, I have so many books, and its about time to let go some of the attachments. Let me think.

Seven Deadly Anxiety List

Ok let's get paranoid and destabilise for a moment. This is my 2009 New Year Seven Deadly Anxiety list.

1. Raed Zikry is growing fast and he's a bundle of energy -- sometimes I wonder if old me would be able to keep up.

2. The place @ in-laws is getting a bit restricted for the three of us. Doesn't help that I'm always thinking of our home which would only be ready in the 3rd qtr of this year.

3. Sharing my reading list with M -- which may be a bit too much for my luv since I want the both of us to discover new possibilities "together-gether".

4. I've been putting creative writing on hold since leaving TeleTech. The itch gets bigger and I've yet to crank up a decent paragraph or verse. Fatherhood is not an excuse.

5. Putting on hold no. 2 --- resume guitar lessons or practice it, and taking up an art skill at NAFA. Again, fatherhood is not an excuse. And I'm done with academics, not going to take my masters. Ptui!!

6. Changes at the workplace -- a new boss. Actually I'm really liking this a lot, what being a OD practioner and as a change agent.

7. My colleague is hurt with a back injury --- please have a speedy recovery, Insya'Allah... I'm hoping we can do much mayhem together at the workplace.

Since 6 months ago...

So much has happened in our lives that I can't begin to start, or describe what's happened since. The absence from blogging, not withstanding, hadn't made me any more motivated to write; it has made me realised that I have not been doing any justice maintaining it -- that's even worse. But the heart has a special way of assuaging my lack of constancy in blogging and it tells me that I am simply consumed with my new role as a father. And so at this unearthly hour, when Raed Zikry is sleeping next to me, (in the middle) and with M at the other side of the bed, I think I can spare a few good minutes; at least for the new year, writing this down. So here goes.

I think I can begin this entry by stating that Marriage Life Can Be Tough!, but hey I'm not complaining. Though we've stumbled upon some very difficult family times, I am thankful that M was there with me to weather it all. We had some rough patches indeed, urgh! and those were life lessons for me to try to be a better person. Sometimes I have a feeling that M may be surprised by my certain behaviours which were no doubt non-existent before we were married, and I've even commented in jest that the man she is married to is no longer 'the same' person. M could only concur with much humour at my confession! Haha... I love you sayang...!

Coming back from work is always something I look forward to nowadays. My thoughts on how the baby is doing or what his developments are for the day would always be in my mind. No longer a workaholic -- ! I try to cram in everything during office hours and log off immediately! And after I fetch M from her workplace, one of the topics we'd have in the car-ride home will be about the baby. Yes, that's how it has been like for the past few months. Some pics below.

Tiny Soles

Mushy ahead.

One of the favorite things I'd like to do now is look at him and try to spot a faint smile or grin on his face. And so, on many occasion then, when my time permits, I'd standby my handphone to catch that priceless moment. Apparently I'm not fast enough because before I knew it, there it was, yet again, a fleeting smile. Each encounter has brought both M and I much fuzziness in our hearts and we'd always concur that he had either dreamt of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) or was teased by an angel.

Last night I took a pic of his feet. And as I held his tender feet against the lines and creases of experience of my palm a sense of wonderment crept up in me. I felt his tender vulnerability of it all and my desire to protect and shelter him at that moment was rather strong. I thought it was silly of me to be feeling that way when mothers all over the world would experience similar if not much more intense and complex feelings when breastfeeding their infants.

And so this is how fathers connect to their infant at this stage. We're sometimes if not all the times, relegated to 'other' tasks and I'm not surprise some fathers may have breastfeed envy. Haha...

Tiny sole shall walk the Right path. Insya'Allah.

Your Own Terms

Our baby is 25 days old and I’ve come to the conclusion that I still know little about babies despite all that heavy reading on motherhood, parenting and forum traipsing I’ve done prior and after his entrance. It’s a complete thing gathering all that information and trying to make sense of advice and anecdotes from parents who’ve been there to let’s say changing a diaper and burping him after feed. Doing it actually involves a certain fortitude and awareness that you are after all trying to raise a child on YOUR OWN TERMS and not relate or get stressed so much about what you’ve just read or heard from friends or relatives.

I told M that this experience is ours completely and there is only so much opinion and advice out there we can follow through or even consider. The last thing we need is parenting out of anxiety because so and so thought it would be best to do this and that for the baby. My response to this is to take these extraneous advice/opinions with a pinch of salt and decide on our own terms. And when we do decide on our own terms, let’s go for it wholeheartedly, luv. Too many clichéd incidences that happened since Raed was born I shan’t write about those. Even when M was pregnant with Raed her colleagues had a million things to say. Most were opinions poorly veiled as advice.

Raed Zikry says, ‘Leave my parents alone!’

Hello World!

My little boy is finally here. Alhamdulillah. After so much anxiety and trepidation in the delivery room I've come to the moment when M's labour pain was simply too much for me to empathise. It was heart wrenching but M went through it like all mothers had done in order to bring their children to this world. At times I was feeling a bit helpless as I stayed beside her during the heightened contractions. And that moment too I knew how brave and resolute M was. I am deeply indebted to her for carrying the child from conception to birth and making me a proud father.

It all began when M started to experience a series of contractions the day before. The intensity rose at nightime about 11pm and when she bled. After much discussion about whether it was indeed a show we decided to that it was time to head to the hospital. We reached the hospital at about midnight and was soon warded to the delivery suite. The next few hours soon reached its apex. We were about to become parents and when our gynae and the midwife coached us in the delivery room; that had got to be one of the most intense moments in our life.

Raed Zikry Bin Redzuan was born on the 1st July 2008 @ 8.14am

Gratitude

The last entry was in December 2007. How terribly ill-disciplined I've been.

So much has happened and I think that all has to do with our first pregnancy. Subhan'Allah how amazed I am with this development in our life, and trully blessed too. On a more personal note, nothing makes me feel more resolute than having this baby. And the anticipation of the days leading to the birth is totally the sweetest things in life.

I witness my wife's physical transformation and feel the baby's kicks and movement in her belly, and I thought of the baby's dreamy peaceful state of existence and how he is deeply aware of the sounds coming from his mummy's heartbeat, the intimate and sometimes funny conversation the three of us have at night when the lights are off, the prayers I whisper at my wife's belly, the 99 names of Allah song we play to him, the soothing guitar music of J.S. Bach and Ferdinand Sor, all these... subhan'Allah give me such a warm feeling inside. And I think of nothing but gratitude for His blessings.

Let Me Take a Step Back to Recall That Moment

I wish I could do more to lighten some of the pregnancy trappings M's been going through. Alas, alas, as a husband I'm only permitted to do so much. And I'm continually amazed me to see her coping bravely with her body changes et al, and all that come along with it. Her bump is still small but in the privacy of our room I can see it clearly. Subhan'Allah.

Actually I'm rather hesitant to pen all this because it's too early, but I don't want to lose the memory of that day when M showed me the kit result at Interlaken. M already suspected it before we left for Rome and had spoken about it. But the aloof me kept the whole episode in check. That blue thingy (below picture) she placed on the bed in the hotel room put me in a whole different mood and I couldn't contain myself any longer. I was so elated -- I think that word should adequately describe my feelings at the time!





And so the first thing we did when we got back home 14 November was to visit a doctor. There were some scares initially as the trip, especially coming back from Rome was tough on her, but Alhamdulillah, nothing serious. M, now into her 13th week is beginning to learn more about her own body and her own limitations and her state of mind, and her husband's worries and resolute.



At Jungfroujoch.

Swiss & Rome Memories

Swiss Escape

Just got back from our Swiss holidays today. We also managed to squeeze in a 2-night stay in Rome, the highlight however is the 6 days 5 nights free & easy Switzerland trip where we visted places such Interlaken, Luzern and Zurich. The Switzerland landscape is truly amazing. I'm just left in awe of it all because the closest sensory I got to such places was in the movies. Here are some pics from my O2.

The train ride to Jungfraujoch from Interlaken OST. The train ascending to Jungfraujoch. It was already snowing and the mountain cliffs were pure whiteness!

M finally gets her Swiss holiday wish. At the hotel in Interlaken, we finally got our own "wish". We've been monitoring but did not really made a big deal of it -- the confirmation at Interlaken was what we've been praying for. The pair gloves which I bought from the souvenir shop at the mountain top. They replaced the woolly ones I got from Singapore.

1st Syawal and Unconditional Love

This is the 4th of Syawal and has been quite the Eidulfitri for us. I was raking my brain on how we shall celebrate the first day of Raya. It’s a big deal for me because I don’t want to mess it up. One must have a certain tradition to bring in to the new family and it has to be of significance. Living in with the in-laws can really pose you some hazards. First of all you do not want to disrupt their routine or any sense of normalcy. Secondly, you do not want to impose your idiosyncrasies in the household. So, coming back to the first day of Raya issue, there were the matters of

1. which mosque to go and perform the solat Eidulfitri
2. what do you do when you reach home
3. who are the family and relatives you visit on the first day
4. how much time are we spending with them
5. are there any special gestures or decorum I need to be aware of

It was simpler when you were a bachelor as you could ride on your parents’ coattails. Now all tanggung sendiri! [Me and wife’s responsibility]

The visit to my parent’s place at Woodlands made me treasure my siblings and their children even more. I love looking at the happy faces of my rakyat [nephews and nieces] I love their lovable banter and I love hugging my parents who raised and educated us into the adults that we are. The feeling was so fuzzy with so much kindness and unconditional love that for a split second I almost burst into tears at the thought of losing them.

What I saw and felt in my moments of seeking for their forgiveness, was something transcendent in their calling to raise their children. They’ve surrendered to the largeness of the task, and when that happened, it’s the ultimate sacrifice. I love you bapak, emak…

A Loyalist Complaint

Kind of a misnomer isn’t it. Well, it’s exactly the tag I’d give to some ex-colleagues who chose to stay put and be magnanimous by riding the tough times with the company, the very same company which retrenched and gave them a severance package only the village idiot can be happy about.

I see a distinct line between that company’s bottomline and employees’ welfare. It’s not blurred to me. For me it’s purely a matter of taking care of my own fate by allowing the choice to move on. No point in sidling up with the higher echelons. Your sycophantic gestures are not appreciated here; or were you hoping that they’ll take care of you? Tough luck.

And yes, I don’t believe in employees’ prolong loyalty towards the workplace. There’s something wrong with that notion, lest you’re a Robinson staff or whatever – you should not overstay your welcome, knowing that the company has not been performing rosily since 2005; that should have been the alert button for you. Why endure and wait the impending? Why come up with all that stoics “I stayed on and believed when others have left”crap?

No doubt this industry has equipped you with the experience and exposure in your chosen field and hence you are the experts. But you, of all people should be aware that the call center industry is one dynamic entity that has a definite shelf-life. Move on already! Others have made that successful transition -- you too, can.

Good Advice

It has been more than a month since I got married in August. 11 & 12 August to be exact. Well, well, how now brown cow? Hahaha.... Some folks at my workplace just can't stop making amiable jokes out of me. I'm saying amiable because there isn't a ounce of malice or ill-intention behind them, still, some of them had indeed made me reeling in laughter at the ridiculous sounding jibes they tried to pass as advice for the newly married man in their company.

Consider this advice, that in the month of Ramadan, you should break your fast when you feel the torturous and amorous need to be intimate with your wife. Haha... I've heard of that one eversince I was a school boy attending weekend religious class, but I never thought it would one day have much relevance to my life until now. I have a rather active imagination, so the torturous and 'gersang' feeling happens almost every now and then. Lol! Some advice are just too bawdy to have them written here, but I really appreciate them for their candour and sincerity.

I'd say marriage has given me a much calmer outlook as a person and appreciate what I have in my life even more intensely. It makes me think on a deeper level that my actions and speech will have a direct impact on my spouse's pysche and being.

Selamat berbuka puasa!

The Day for Me