Be Still

How many days already? 20?

When I think of all the Ramadans I've gone through in my life, I keep thinking of the journey I made with regard to my faith and devotion viz-a-viz my way of life in the context of being a Malay muslim male in Singapore. You know I try not to think so much about this but sometimes these feelings are unavoidable.

I studied my ass off, got enlisted in the army and studied again and then joined the workforce to be another blimp in the labour statistic. That is pretty much the same linear most guys here go through, so what's the big deal? The big deal here is that I still am sure that I've not reached my potential, even though the current work that I'm in allows me that opportunity. The sad part is that I was one of those people who abandoned areas of interest for economic reasons. So am I happy even if I had significantly progressed career-wise? I don't know.

I could have studied music but I was unconvinced of my own determination. I could have studied the arts but I see many artists around me that inspire with their works but not their struggles. I guess I was chicken shit or didn't have any mentor to guide me. It's old dilemma anywhere, but I'm grateful for the blessings He gives me.

Nobody wants to revisit past pains. But I remember after graduation in 1997 I was really, really down, wretched, not knowing what to do with my life, but I hung in there, and with the close support from family and friends, I got through what might have been the most difficult period in my life. I wore many facades just to keep a brave front - I hated that so much.

But it was during the same period that I discovered something else. It brought me solace and strength and comfort I've never experienced before. During that period, many times I woke at night, most willingly, just to do the *Tahajud because those were the only times I felt still and close to Him. No distraction, no nothing, just in the Still of the Night, in this very bedroom, asking for help and penance from my creator. I felt so small, I delved and I trembled.

Fast forward October 2005 :20 Ramadan 1426H.

I've yet to feel small and humble again. I've forgotten what it was all about. What is the matter with me? I'm doing fine in my career and I'm in a relationship. Yet there is a lack somewhere which I can't pin down. Or am I just projecting unnecessary worries here?

Must I be hit with another crisis like in 1997 just to capture that stillness again?



* Night prayer